Monday, May 18, 2009

Our Fears.

I want my students to see how far they have come throughout the year. I want my students to be respectful to me, but more importantly to eachother. I want my classroom to be safe. I am reflecting upon the vision I created for my classroom and it does mot mirror the reality. Instead, these days are becoming more and more frustrating. They are fighting. They are talking. They are doing what they want, when they want. I request something as simple as sitting quietly and half of the class could care less that any words came out of my mouth at all. They will respond when I yell, as many of the other teachers who are facing the same end of the year struggle have resorted to. But I refuse. I have finally come to see that while it may be fulfilling in that very moment, in the long run it does nothing, but swiftly break down the respect that took so long to build up. I always regret it. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. Frustration is high and productivity has hit an all time low. How can I be strong so that my students will want to finish up the year doing whatever they can to prepare themselves for 4th grade? How can I give them that final push to take pride in themselves and what they are creating? I wish they could understand how much I care for them. I try to tell them, but I don't think they understand. I love them by pushing them to be their best. I love them by making them read everyday. I love them by forcing them to face the consequences when they make bad choices. Unfortunatly, in their minds these statements of love are actually acts of hatred. My heat breaks. I don't want to count away the days because I want each of them to be worth something. I have worked too hard to end this on such a bad note. As I write, I am beginning to realize this is all a self-centered battle. I am afraid to be finished. I am afraid to leave here feeling as though I have failed.

Holding on to what is good:

2 comments:

Ellyn Canfield said...

Sarah Jean, I am so proud of you! I believe you have made an incredible difference, even if in small ways that are hard to see . I have so many memories from my best teachers, and I am sure that you will be that positive, loving memory for so many of your students!

Paula said...

Oh Sarah Jean, I am sorry to hear you sounding like you have failed. It could not be further from the truth. You have shown them a different way. Hang in there. This is a tough time in the best of schools. I can relate to many of your feelings. Keep loving them. Keep teaching them. They will remember, or they will not. Some will recall, sometime in their life, a young white woman called Miss Sullivan, who believed they were capable, valuable human beings. God bless you for all you have done at school and in your neighborhood.
Love,
Mama